If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
