Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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