Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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