chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Your penis caused this!
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