God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
