Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
