whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
