I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
