please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
