i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
