he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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