Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
