I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
