So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
