take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
