I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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