The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
pray to the hookup gods
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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