the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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