i think my tv is drunk
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
