Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
