She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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