wrigley field is MILF paradise
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
