He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
