Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize
