I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
