don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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