I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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