I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
