She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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