So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
