Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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