I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
