I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
