Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
