Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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