how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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