I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
