I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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