My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
