i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
