I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
