Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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