I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
