Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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