Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
