I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
