Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
