i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
