How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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