Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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